August 19th 2017

this post is dated back months cos I needed the time. the time to process, but also just the actual time to write this. I trust you'll forgive the incoherence considering the subject matter.


in one week, maybe even to the day, after almost two decades together, me and hubs are getting divorced. 


even now, saying or even writing it, still feels surreal. I mean, I feel it, when I stop and actually think about it, I feel it and it makes me cry instantly, but at the same time it's just. so. unbelievable. like incurable deceases or actual deaths or other things that are just as Final. (not that I'm comparing death and divorce, I am comparing the finality)



the story is complicated and feelings even more so, but (very) basically, some (positive) events happened over the summer and it made hubs stop and really look at his life and future and how he feels about everything. he's probably typical male, so most of the time he just floats along and doesn't think much about gooey feelings and such, like really deep down.
but this time he did, and simply put, he discovered two things:
1) as much as he does love me, he doesn't love me like a wife/partner, like, that extra level of love? he loves me like his best friend and special person in his life, and even more than that, but it lacks that last bit of je ne sais quoi. and looking back, he wondered if it had ever really been there.
2) he wants kids. a lot. he used to not, he used to think he would make a bad dad, but through the past years, especially with us being so close to my sister's kids, he's learned that he would be amazing.
he doesn't regret our time together, and it's not like he wishes he could have come to this realization sooner in life cos that would have meant missing out on what we have had and he doesn't wish that. 

so in late August we sat in the car one random Saturday night and talked and cried until 4am, and agreed, that if this is how he feels, or rather not feels about me, then of course we shouldn't stay married. I wouldn't want that for either of us, and I love him enough to want him to experience the kind of love I feel for him, and if he can't do that with me, then I have to let him go so he can try and find it somewhere else, with someone else, no matter how hard it is.

and it is fucking hard, but at the same time, it's what has to be done. he asked me the other day, if he never finds someone new and is happy, will I think all of this pain was a waste? was for nothing? but I told him no, cos even if we both end up not finding anyone else, we still shouldn't be married when we don't both love each other in a 'till death do us part' way. 


people have wondered if I've even felt sad or angry or betrayed or hurt or that it was unfair, or whatever feeling they think is appropriate for this kind of situation, because I agreed so quickly and seem so calm and collected about things. 
well, no need to worry. I do feel sad and I do cry (some days or nights a lot), but it's just my personality. I'm a very private person, I don't easily cry in front of people (only hubs), and the way I function in a crisis is to get logical and practical and to organize. try to gain control of other things, basically. 
so I make lists and organize and keep track of every person we need to call and all the little details cos, god, there are so many details.
but I do cry and I am heartbroken and sad and frustrated and scared shitless of the prospect of a future alone, but it's like this: this is a situation that Has To happen, that we Have To get through, and even though I might have days where I don't want to get out of bed and just cry all day, that won't help anything right now. right now keeping a somewhat cool head and get things done and finding a new place to live, that will help right now. then once we've moved and done all the paperwork and I have a new doctor and dentist and car and insurance, when there's nothing more to do than try to live my new life, then I can stay in bed and cry for two weeks if I want. and I will probably want cos fuck me.

but do I think of it as unfair? mmh... I think I'm too rational a type (with probably not high enough thoughts about myself) to think it's unfair as such? would I have liked that the love of my life loved me back? sure. but is it 'unfair' that he doesn't/can't? it's just life, I think? sometimes it stinks, but that's just how it is.
and how could I be angry at him or hurt? ㅠㅠ it's not like he did this on purpose, and he wishes nothing more than that things could be different so we didn't have to do this. but I don't believe you choose who you don't love anymore than you choose who you do, so who could I be angry at? and betrayed? but why? there's been no broken trust, no third party involved. I still trust him with my life cos he has never shown himself to be untrustworthy to me. 
and I'm scared for myself for the future and I pity me for my rotten luck, but what I'm actually most heartbroken about is that he's been without true love for all these years. it's not like he's been unhappy, cos he did think he had it all, but I wanted more for him. I wanted everything and he didn't have that and that makes me ache. he deserves everything.


did I see it coming? absolutely 100% not. I've never been that shocked in my life. I actually thought I was gonna throw up for a bit.
I knew he was struggling with something (thoughts, feelings, whatever) since we came back from our family trip to Nice in early August, and I told him I wanted to talk to him as soon as he was ready, if there was anything I could do or help with.
he didn't really say anything, and by the end of two weeks he was almost avoiding me. 
he never avoids me which told me that something serious was on his mind, and by the end I was so frustrated that he wouldn't talk to me about what was going on. 
so on a Saturday night, where I hoped we could talk (cos we finally had some time) but he once again avoided me/it, I went for a walk to walk off some frustrated energy cos I didn't wanna push him.
when I got back we randomly met at the parking lot cos he was coming out to look for me. 

we went and sat in the car (cos it was right there), and the first thing he said was "I don't see how this can go on". and in that instant I was just.. numb. but I still asked him "by 'this', do you mean this or us?" and he said "us". it was a completely out of body experience. my entire world had just ended, but all I could focus on was the shrub outside the car..
we stayed in the car for 4 hours, talking and crying and talking. I kept mostly quiet at first, let him talk and explain while I just stared at the shrub. but I heard him and I understood him. he was able to say everything in an understandable way, which also tells me that this was something he had given a lot of thought, and that he had essentially made up his mind since he was able to talk about things so clearly.

I never tried to talk him out of it, in fact, I fairly quickly agreed with him that we should split up. 
"why didn't you try more?". "why didn't you fight for it?".
because what could I try to talk him into? staying with someone he didn't love like that now and probably never really had, not in the right way for marriage? and as much as I wish he would love me like that, when I know that he doesn't, would I really want that for myself? no. and more importantly, I wouldn't want that for him. I love him more than anything, of course I want him to have a great love of his life, too. 
as Hollywood as it sounds, I love him enough to let him go.
I told him that my instinct felt like being pissed at him and wanted to grab him and shake him and scream at him, how come he let it get this far? how could he not have said anything sooner so we could have tried to do something? but then I remember what he said, and there was never a great marriage-love from his side to begin with, so there was nothing to fight to get back to. so we talked, but there was never any yelling or anger.

I know, in this short way I'm telling things, it sounds like he doesn't/didn't love me in any way so why are did we even get together in the first place, but there are other feelings and 'love' can be many things and feelings. 
and for fuck's sake, he's given it almost 20 years, it's not like we're giving up on a whim. I mean, this was all subconscious until August, so it's not like he's been "trying oh so hard to love me every day", but if all our time together hasn't proved itself to be enough, then it won't ever be.


so how have I been able to cope so well? I'm coping well because even though we are getting divorced, I am not losing him from my life. and that's the short, basic version. 

I lost a husband, a title, a piece of paper, a roommate, but I'm still his best friend, he still wants me in his life, he doesn't wanna lose me, and that means Everything to me. and keeping that friendship and that relationship, keeping him, is my main priority right now. 
not a day goes by where I'm not thanking god (and I don't even believe in him) that hubs didn't let things go so far that he got sick of me and just wanted to get away from me. that we can still be close friends, and not just cos I want to, but cos we both want to. 
I know this might sound really pathetic and like I'm only caring about him and not me, but this is purely selfish. it's possibly different for you in your life, but because of the way I am, he's the only person I've ever let my guard fully down around. he's the only person I've ever been totally honest with. he's the only person I never feel like I have to weigh my every word before speaking with out of fear of being judged/pushed away. 
he is the only person in the world I feel knows me, and the thought of losing that, is so lonely it's crushing.
I am aware that I don't have to have these fears and walls with e.g. the rest of my family, but I do cos that's how I am, and even with hubs it took almost 5 years of being and living together before I felt that feeling of being completely relaxed and comfortable with another person. this feeling is something precious to me.

so while there was no romance to resuscitate, what we've both been clinging on to since August 19th, is our friendship. 
we're still each others best friend, and none of us wants to lose that. we want to live close to each other, we still want to hang out, we (and they) still regard ourselves as part of each others families, and hubs is still the closest thing my sister's kids has to a dad (cos their own is a useless piece of shit) and we both want him to continue that close relationship with them.
of course we do still live together, so many things haven't changed yet as they will once we do have our own homes, but I don't think I will ever feel like I can't talk to him about everything. if/when he finds someone else I realize that there can be things that aren't appropriate to share with him anymore, but if I'm sad or I need help, I truly feel like I will always be welcome to call him. 
and because he's such a big part of my family, and will continue to be so, he has also said that a new partner will have to be comfortable and secure enough to accept that he is forever part of our family. of course he is free to be a big part of it right now, and it might have to be toned down once someone new enters the picture, but he will always want to be close to his nephews, and I have no doubt that a new partner will have to accept that.

am I sad and frustrated and hating life that we couldn't be a perfect match? fucking yes, all day, every day. but do I feel like it's my fault or have those "if only I had done/not done that" thoughts? no. 
I am a high maintenance, control freak with more psych issues than most care to deal with, and I know that, but that's just how it is, how I am. 
so there's no point in thinking "if only I hadn't had my uterus cut out, then maybe we could have had kids and he would have stayed" cos I did have it cut out and I don't want kids, even if I did still have it. 
"maybe if I hadn't commented so much on how much he plays computer games all night and don't get enough sleep". well, I did comment cos he's a loser who often can't control it and sits up until 2 when he has to get up for work at 5, and to me that's called caring. (this was an example cos he also doesn't think it's a super idea to not get enough sleep, but he gets caught up and time flies)
but, you know. thinking all those things, what's the point? first of all, it's way too late for that now anyway, but I also don't think it can be boiled down to simple things like that? don't nag, let me play, I don't wanna clean so often (which aren't often at all). if it was that simple to get him to love me, I'm sure we would have done things like this a long time ago. 
but just like you can't always put into words what that special something is, that makes you fall in love with one person instead of another nice person, I also don't think that you can necessarily put into words what exactly is missing? it just is. life sucks like that sometimes. 
I actually assumed that if something like this ever happened, that it would be a huge blow to my self-esteem. that I would blame myself and feel not god enough and all that, but surprisingly, it hasn't been like that at all. yay for growth (stay in therapy, kids, it works). 


the apartment does still feel like home, and I cried when we sold it. I never imagined I would, but it's been my safe place for almost twenty years, and will now be the only place where I got to have amazing, wonderful years with the love of my life. so while it was a huge relief to get it sold, it was also really sad. 
and it brought the separation one step closer. the sale put some finality into things and that's scary as fuck. 
but hubs bought a nice apartment, so on Jan. 1st, we're moving.
for now, though, we are still gonna live together. hubs said from the start, that if only one of us had a new place when we had to vacate from here, the other one would just come with so none of us had to worry about being out on the streets. so for now, as unusual as it is, we're starting our divorced lives by moving in together, and we're both perfectly fine with it. it's another one of those things we can do cos we still love each other, and we decided from the start, that no matter how weird it seems to others and to us, we're just gonna do whatever we want as long as we want.

of course, I will eventually have to get my own place as soon as things work out, but I am not looking forward to living on my own at all. I love his company, I love to have someone dependable, strong, knowledgeable, that isn't afraid of bugs, who loves the same foods, who loved to travel with me, someone to fall asleep next to. 
I'm easily scared by things, like, if I'm home alone and I hear strange noises outside? I can stay awake with my heart pounding all night ㅠㅠ 

I'm scared and worried how I will do. and I'm worried about where I will end up living. I desperately want to move back to the area I grew up in so I will know the towns and feel at home outside, but maybe I will end up somewhere completely new and strange to me :( 
I don't know yet cos my finances are going to be extremely tight now. I am on a disability pension, which is pretty much the lowest income in the country, I think? so now I will have to keep a very basic life just to be able to pay the rent and buy birthday presents and in case something breaks (the vacuum cleaner, my bra, the car). and who knows when and if I'll ever have money to travel again..
it's not like hubs has a high paying job, he has a very average income, but because we only needed one small apartment, one car, one insurance, one trip to the supermarket, one of everything, we could save up a lot of money to do what we wanted (buy kpop and motorcycle, travel, eat organic food, etc) when we were together.
so I also worry about how I will be able to live, but other people do it so it must be possible... 

and other people are not the only ones who're worried about me. I'm worried about me. right now is not easy, but, obviously, the real struggle will begin the day I have to move in by myself. I know that will be the time where I will really feel lost and scared and alone. 
I don't really do well on my own, I think? I've always loved being by myself and never minded just my own company, but I think that's been because I always knew there were someone, company, coming home to me at the end of the day. so during the day I could get my need for solitude satisfied, but then when my parents and sister (when I lived at home) or hubs came home I was ready for company and conversation and the comfort of not feeling lonely just cos I had been alone. I am deadly afraid that the loneliness will be so overwhelming that I won't know how to get up again and move on.... 


lastly, I will say that most people, once they find out that we're on good terms, do wish hubs well as well, but only one person has taken the time to really reflect on things from hubs' perspective, and I was so touched by her thoughts.
she's the only one who has told me they see the courage and how hard it must be (and have been) to be in his shoes, too. others don't tell me, but I think most kinda feel like it must be a lot easier for him cos they see the situation like "he made the decision", but I find that really upsetting. he didn't make any decision, he told me honestly how he feels and then WE made a decision. we agreed.
honestly, I also find it kind of insulting (so I'm glad no one has said it outright) to both of us cos 1) people should know him better, and 2) am I just that easy to give up after 20 years? 

of course this is hard on both of us, and there's nothing he wishes more than that fate could have been kinder to us and I could be enough for him, so we wouldn't have to do this.