Wednesday, 19 March 2014

a...sexual?

today I read these three posts - here, here, and here - written by an asexual about, um, how to say...her views on life and love and sex from her/an asexual's point of view.
I was Googling "body worship" for something else, but that's another story.

anyway, you sorta have to read the three posts before reading mine, even if you do know about asexualism.

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[big fat disclaimer] before reading this I had absolutely no idea what asexualism was or meant, and to be fair, I still only know what this person wrote, and haven't researched or investigated the topic further.
so everything I'm about to say should not be taken as a comment on asexualism as a whole, but solely a reaction to these three posts, period.
I am not passing judgment on asexuals (I mean, love thy neighbour and all that), but merely reacting to some points that this individual set up.
and should you happen to be said individual, I hope you won't take offense. this is all out of curiosity, and interest, and ignorance, and cos you moved things in me.

also, I've chosen to use "allosexual" without having a clue if there's anything in that term besides "someone who isn't asexual". if there is anything remotely derogatory I apologize. "someone who isn't asexual" was just a little wordy, so, yeah...

at first I just read cos curious and I like to broaden my horizon, but I found it really well-written, full of conviction and passion and information, and as I kept reading, maybe that is part of why it started to stir both emotions and thoughts, and by now I really just need to get some of it out to sort it out.
right now it's all messy, and I expect this post to be, too, as a result.
I also suspect that I'll have probably misunderstood or even misread some stuff because my head was buzzing as I read most of it, so trying to make sense of a foreign language might have proven too hard. I apologize in advance.

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I don't even really know how to start..

I like the positivism in the first post, the encouragement for asexauls to explore ways in their asexual relationships to get closeness and intimacy and physical touches.
what I don't like is the way I at times felt flashbacks to eating disorder posts.
"I just want you to know, fellow aces, that getting genitally aroused in the middle of a very sensual, physically intimate encounter with someone you love doesn’t make you less asexual, doesn’t mean you’re experiencing sexual attraction or desire for your partner, and is nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for". well, if it did would it be so bad?

the celibacy. I don't really see the big...mmh I dunno, reason to shout it like that from the rooftops over and over again? if you hadn't been asexual, then maybe a voluntary life as celibate would be a bigger deal, but if you're asexual aren't you just doing what you wanna do? or rather not doing what you don't wanna do. like so many other people, regardless of sexual..ness.

I mean, I get that a lot of asexuals probably compromise more or less and enter relationships with allosexuals in order to fulfill desires for other things in life like love, intimacy, kids, and whatnot. and in that sense I understand being proud of yourself for not being willing to compromise yourself, as I feel you feel it would be.

and I do see you saying that to you, your choice of celibacy and being an asexual is two different things, and the celibacy is more about being able to focus on other aspects, and to allow room for that love ideal you have. I get that. right?
I'm just not sure I still don't believe that they're all connected, even if the love ideal came about before you say asexualism did for you. but that is probably because I don't know enough about asexualism, cos can you "turn it"? even if you were young and not sexually conscious, weren't you still asexual? so wouldn't it somehow have subconsciously reflected in your person and thoughts? is what I'm thinking.

you say you'll only settle for that intense, ideal love, but at the same time you have decided that you will only have other asexuals as partners. that seems like really bad math to me.
on the other hand you also seem like someone who see that deep love connection as something more..damn English.. um, like you almost not expect it to be long-term? or something that can possibly happen with a wide number of people?
I dunno, maybe I got that part all wrong, I just couldn't help but think that the rest of us who see the world as possibilities still struggle to find that love.

because that's another thing. I really feel like you talk as if allosexual both don't want and aren't capable of feeling that need and desire for deep, intense, pure love because to us, sex is our #1 priority.
if you take intercourse out of the equation, aren't most people in general looking for/dreaming of the same thing you are?

in fact, the only thing I could think about as you went on about what it is you want in life out of a relationship, was to think, "well, aren't I lucky".
because I have that. and I'm an allosexual. and you're free to think I'm crazy delusional, but there's not a doubt in my mind that if I took sex out of my marriage, it wouldn't change the love connection.
and there's no doubt cos I asked him. obviously, if it was a free choice he might need a longer explanation than if I had an accident or whatever, but if I came to him and said I lost the mood/feel for it, he would never dream of pressuring sex through anyway.

(I also have no doubt because, for reasons that aren't physical or psychological distance but also aren't relevant in this context, during our 15 years together we have had several periods of time, sometimes up to 6 months at a time, where sex hasn't been part of our relationship, and it hasn't changed anything)

if that sounds too Disney to you, I can live with that. it's okay, I know what I have, and not a day goes by where I don't consciously appreciate and cherish it.

I'm not trying to say sex doesn't matter, I'm just saying that hubs doesn't love me because he gets to stick his dick in me.
and just like you point out, there are plenty of other ways to be super intimate, so why should it break anything?

an overall thing that kept popping up in my head, as I read all three posts actually, is that while I do feel you talk like there can be lots of big loves in a person's life, it also struck me how completely (over?)analytical your approach to love is.
you seem to set up all these ways and rules and decisions about what you will and will not do and accept, as if that will help you find that specific ideal love.

but it seem like all those things are related to sex, which to me means, they're all almost moot.
granted, I've never been an asexual, and a celibate one at that, so I can't know how much of your person consists of that part, but I can tell you that the actual intercourse part of me (since you say some asexuals do have desires and whatnot, too) takes up like 3%.

I feel like you're totally negating human personalities and reducing people to asexuals or people who have sex, basically, and making sexual attraction/lack thereof the main point of people.
and actually, just completely from my personal point of view, I was honestly bordering offended with the way I feel you totally reduce allosexuals to pretty much baser, almost sex crazed people who puts sex before all else, and is virtually a danger to asexuals.

I'm not saying you probably don't have some asexual inside stories, and maybe even personal experiences of allosexuals who have been less than understanding shall we say, but again, lining things up as black and white as I feel you're doing is a little much.
of course you never outright said "ALL allosexuals are like this", but at times you might as well have.

anyway.
"Die-hard romantics may want to believe that true love can conquer all, but in reality, love dies all the time, often for reasons far more trivial than sex."
exactly. so why put such an emphasis on sex? on love vs. sex?
except for #7 (cos not asexual so no reason to delve into that world in that respect) I can see where you're coming from with all your points about why loving a same-minded is so great, but I deliberately used the word same-minded cos once again, take sex out of this, and isn't it what most people want? belonging, understanding, love, connection, comfort, safety, confidence, pleasuring another person.

I know from experience (that has nothing to do with sexuality) what you mean about connecting with people who are the same as you, all the issues that becomes irrelevant, just by that, but maybe that's also why I feel like I don't see why this should have to be a sexually related issue. that feeling is relieving and liberating, no matter who you are and no matter the reason you come together.
..and I feel like I lost my point..

what I'm trying to say, without really feeling sure it's related to that quote, is just that the general concept of relationship and love keeps churning in my head.
sex aside, people. are. different.
both being asexuals doesn't mean you won't have different personalities and likes and preferences in all other areas of life, just like two allosexuals.
every kind of couple can have issues with sex because everyone's sex-drive is different, it's not just in asexual/allosexual couples.
every kind of couple can fall out, fall apart, and break up for numerous reasons.
again I think I'm feeling reduced to my sexual orientation..

"It can show you that you are not even remotely broken because here you are, loving another person and being loved by them, someone who’s like you"
wouldn't it be better to be loved by an "outsider" if your issues are with the world, not other asexuals?
I have my own issue to deal with, so that might be why I'm thinking like this, but can't it also just make a person think, "well, sure you love me, you're as broken as me"? - is what I thought, ONLY because you added "someone who's like you". if you hadn't I wouldn't hesitate to agree that love has immense healing powers.

I also have thoughts about the talk about the whole community and confirmation between asexuals on one hand, and then at the same time a lot about self-love and independence on the other, but it's all unwilling to come out in any remotely coherent way so I'm not gonna go there.

same with lots of other points throughout the texts. I either can't formulate thoughts or I formulate too many.

in the end what I'm left with, though, is mostly pity. and not in a condescending way, it just makes me feel sad/sorry?
here is a person who's trying to set up guidelines for finding and maintaining that ideal, perfect love, when reality (mine, at least) is that we're all human beings and as such there is no such thing a guarantees when it comes to love, no matter how much you strive to find and love an exact replica of yourself.


I'm also left with the thought that since I know these posts weren't personally about/against me, I shouldn't get so worked up.
just because we're on different sides of celibacy, everything said about allosexuals doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me.
as I myself so often say, if it doesn't apply, it doesn't apply. move along.

well.

I failed to move, so there you have it.


Monday, 17 March 2014

family ties

my sister's ex-husband is a selfish douche and I am so fucking tired of him.

there are still financial ties between sis and him, and even more than that are their two kids who will forever tie all of us together, and for those reasons everyone have counted to 823642657 more times than you can even imagine.

they were together for..11 or 12 years and I loved the guy. we got along great and could also hang out just the two of us. sure, he had his limitations, but hey, who doesn't, and all of our close-knit family have embraced him with open arms.

and, sure, when they split up last summer, and later divorced, one of the main reasons for both of them were that neither felt they could be a happy, true self with the other.

and since the split sis has enjoyed being able to put magnets on the fridge (they scratch the fridge so that used to be a nono), eat all the cheese she wants (it smelled and he didn't like it so nono), take all her pillows and blankets onto the sofa and cuddle (he didn't like that at first cos it's dusty so nono), accepting a vacation, all expenses paid by mom and dad (he didn't like that cos too much time with our family so nono), tell the kids they can't watch everything they want cos the older one gets so easily scared and have nightmares (he thought as long as it's animated how scary can it be so screw age limits).

okay, I'm making him sounds like a douche even when things were good between them, and he wasn't. he just have some quirks that seem really silly and unreasonable to most people. but again, don't we all, so no one thought much of it, and of course he's had to live with stuff from her side because that is just how relationships go. 
even the happiest require compromise.

my point is, that either the man had a mental breakdown of sorts or he deserves an academy award for keeping his true personality so well in check over the past decade cos holy fucking shit.

when they decided to split up it happened over just a few days, and maybe that's why they both agreed this should be an amicable split with sole focus on damaging the kids as little as humanely possible, because of course there were still lingering feelings between them.

and pretty much since that day has he done n o t h i n g but accommodate his own selfish needs aka his dick and his fear or being alone, and to hell with sis and the kids. 
and sure, in a way he's not obligated towards her anymore, but somehow he can't seem to separate her and the kids, so in his desire to not do anything for her, he is just totally abandoning the kids and using them to get to her.

he's always been extremely focused on money and materialistic things (on this I don't think he's just being a greedy dick, I think there are some old scars from his dead dad, but that's another story), even when they were together, but since they split up everything comes down to nickles and dimes, and it makes me wanna throw up.

he agreed to 11-3, where he picks them up after kindergarten every other Friday, keep them over the weekend, and then drive them back to kindergarten Monday morning.
11-3 and yet the asshole refuses to pay child support. he has a net income that's almost 3 times what she gets out, and she has to pay for her apartment and the two kids, but his argument is that child support wouldn't be fair because after he's done paying for the house (he still lives in their old, huge house until he has to vacate for the buyers by June 1st) and car and everything else, his pocket money amount would be the same as hers, so if he helps her with money for the kids, in the end she would have more money than him. ... we're talking about an adult of 40+ years here. who refuses to pay for his kids because he doesn't think it's fair if their mother ends up with more money than him. ARE YOU FUCKING FIVE THESE ARE YOUR KIDS. how are there people alive like this..
oh, and of course sis is still paying for her half of the house as well as her apartment.

anyway, that whole part of everything is frustrating cos even a semi-normal brain can't fathom how he sleeps at night.
the emotional toll it of course takes on sis to deal with and bear this completely unreasonable and irrational behavior, plus the agony of having to make ends meet with two kids and one of the country's lowest paying jobs, that is beyond frustrating..

by the way, the whole money thing will be settled (in court if need be) once the house sale is out of the picture, cos frankly, there's only energy for the entire family to fight one battle at a time.

because on top of all this, the youngest, Alfie, has been through so much medical stuff in his 2 years and 9 months that not a day goes by where this family doesn't thank god for living in a country with free healthcare because even mom and dad's two executive savings and pensions could have paid for what he's had to go through already.

he's a happy boy and most of it is not something that affects him in a conscious way, he's fortunately still too young to worry about any of this, but besides bigger issues, he's got digestion issues and he needs meds for it every day. he suffers from all types of eczema and rashes, and he needs special creams and lots of regular lotion every day.

every day without fail or he will have constipation that has him screaming in pain for hours, or huge open rashes that turns to open sores that get infected with staph all over his body.
yet his dad claims he can't afford it. for two fucking days out of 14 cos sis sees to it Friday and Monday. so unless she buys it and puts it in his diaper bag, Alfie doesn't get treated while he's with his dad.
we are literally talking about something like 5$ a week here. if even that.

what had me about ready to call him myself yesterday and tell him to go fuck himself, is that about 11 days ago Alfie suddenly got a new rash, and after an emergency trip to the doctor, it was diagnosed as..I dunno the name in English, but it's a common children's eczema, so daycares and kindergartens don't allow the kids to come in until after the sores heal and the scabs fall off and they can't infect the others anymore. this usually takes between 1-3 weeks.
oh, and yeah, it's infected with staph so he's on penicillin, too.

so of course sis calls the asshole and says that if this ends up taking weeks, he'll have to help out cos she can't possibly get weeks off work. he protests cos it's not "his days". the nerve of this motherfucker, I swear to god.. he says it's mostly her problem cos she's the one who wanted the big 11-3 split instead of something closer to 7-7. who gives a shit, asshole, they're still your kids 365 days a year no matter where they have their address.

anyway, after a talk with us and mom and dad, we figure out a way to mingle things around so the first week will be covered.

she tells the asshole that, yet when she texts him yesterday to tell him Alfie's still can't go to daycare and now it's his turn to call in sick or whatever, basically be a dad, he has the fucking nerve to make a big fuss about it.
he says he can only have him Monday to Tuesday, and then he'll come drop him off at 2pm cos he's got a meeting. sis tells him she's not off work until 3:30, but then he just says he won't take Alfie at all cos his meeting is at 3.
"so can't your mom look after him for a couple of hours while you go to your meeting??". turns out the meeting is with his mom.
"okay Mia said she'll come to your place and look after Alfie while you and mommy have your little meeting". sorry, no can do cos he won't be back until Wednesday morning, where sis is welcome to come drop off Alfie again before she goes to work. (they now live 25 mins apart and with morning rush-hour that should be a nice hour in the car)

in other words he's probably got a date with his newest fuck buddy, so he doesn't have time to take care of his sick kid.

and so of course sis calls me, cos mom and dad already has the oldest kids for a few days, at 10 in the evening, in a complete mess of a state cos she can't stay home from work, she can't take him to work, and ex is being a fucking douche yet again.
she's just about ready to quit everything, and unfortunately she called him a limp dick who refused to take care of his kids. all true, but he got pissed and said he wouldn't help her at all until she apologized. until she apologized??!? I'd fucking laugh my head off if I wasn't boiling with rage.

cos you see?! to get to her, he says he won't do what a dad is supposed to do. 
so unlike almost every other dad, you can't even put a little pressure on him by pointing out that he'll be missing out on times with his kids cos. he. doesn't. give. a. shit.
(sis is scared for the boys that he'll refuse to see them at all to get out of paying for child support when she files. how heartbreaking is that, I can't even- ...)

of course I told her we would work something out this week if he was really going to bail, but for the sake of smooth sailing (ha ha ha) I told her to just send a text saying "sorry. see you tomorrow", and see if that would satisfy him.
it did and in the end he agreed to take Alfie.

and I was really relieved. I love those kids, but if you know me or have read some of my personal posts on here, you know I have plenty of issues myself, on of which is that I do not handle change well. change in plans, sudden, unexpected stuff, being on stand-by, maybe maybe not..
it's one of the things that wears on me most, so when sis calls me at 10 and ask if I can come babysit for the next two days from 7am my whole inside just stand on end in an instant.

but that's how it is all of the time these days. because sis is only one human, barely hanging on, and our family never says no when someone needs help.
so screw me and my issues cos sis needs to not lose her job in the middle of all of this, too, so of course I'm there if their pathetic excuse of a father can't be.

and that right there is what I truly hates most about him. 
how the douche somehow ended up leaving ME with his half of his kids.
just cos he can't do anything besides the stick-his-dick-in part of being a dad, the rest of us are forced to step up.
I couldn't love those kids more if they were my own, but that is my whole point. if I wanted the responsibility of kids I would've gotten my fucking own instead of his limp dick failures.

again, this is not cos I don't love the kids. they're the reason I push through and live with the mess it puts my life in. because even if they some day have to find out what their dad is really like, the dad they love and adore, they will n e v e r know anything about the rest of our family except how much we love them.


this post was irrelevant to all of you, but I needed to vent.
maybe I'll delete it later cos I'm slightly paranoid about giving him any arguments against her in court aka her crazy slandering sister. we'll see.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

gotcha day..

recently I'm seeing a lot of people talk about how they celebrate gotcha day, and it's just such a weird concept to me.. especially when it's celebrated like a birthday.
I haven't heard of anyone who didn't also celebrate their actual birthday, but somehow acting like gotcha day is a birthday is almost..slightly negating the Korean part?
we didn't start our lives in an airport, or the day we were handed over.

I dunno, maybe it's not negating anything, but when I think about the concept of gotcha day it just stirs something defensive in me.

I know people also do celebrate their actual birthday, I guess I just don't understand the need to make a special fuss about gotcha day.
lots of adoptees have siblings biological to their adoptive parents, should they then get a conception day or 1st sonogram day or..?
and why make that distinction between adoptive and biological children? or maybe families with both never celebrate gotcha day..

I never celebrated gotcha day, and you might be thinking I'm just regretful and jealous, but I'm really not.
I do know some Danes do it too, but as far as I can tell, hearing from adoptees around the world, this is a primarily US custom. I don't know anyone personally who celebrates it, so I've never had anyone to be jealous of.

meh. I'm ranting and probably not making much sense.
I just sometimes get a little tired of "special days" in general. every day should be special, and you should appreciate and love people every day, not just cos the calendar tells you to.