Sunday, 30 June 2013

I do

I just read an article in the NY Times about a 41 year old woman, an adoptee, who went back to Korea in 2004, and who, apparently, has been a leading part of the campaign that eventually lead the country to change its laws, so for the first time ever it's actually stipulated, that the country should reduce international adoptions of Korean children.
The government provides stipends for domestic adoptive parents and single mothers who wants to keep their children, and there has to be a period of at least 6 months wherein a child is sought to receive domestic adoptive parents before it is made available for international adoption. New mothers also have to spend the first week after giving birth with their child, while receiving counselling about the possibilities of keeping the baby before she can relinquish custody.

These are not breaking news changes, the law was changed a while ago, but they are still pretty spectacular to a country that used to be recognized around the world as one of the leading baby export countries, and a society that still bears a deep-seeded prejudice against single mothers, and who still sees domestic adoption as a threat towards the all-important family blood lines.

I didn't know any specifics about who has been part of the movement to get the laws changed, but I did assume adoptees were involved, and in hindsight I'm not surprised if the driving forces were US.

Considering how many Korean children have gone to the US over the past decades, I always feel a little remiss when I get the urge to make generalizing statements about US adoptees cos obviously there are also lots of happy-about-their-lives-and-adopted-families adoptees in the US, but let's just say that when I hear about am unhappy adoptee, I'm not surprised if he/she turns out to be American, and I'm even less surprised if their story is one about being one out of a few or maybe even zero Asians for most of their lives, teasing and bullying, adoptive parents with shocking little understanding for and/or willingness to learn about what it means to be adopted, identity-crisis and self-loathing, and lots of emotional adult torment and turmoil in relation to both self, adoptive parents, birth parents, Korea, and adoption.

I dunno, as I said this of course in no way covers all US adoptees, but after years of talking to adoptees not only from the US, there has been enough cases to.. make me less surprised.


This wasn't meant as defining a box for US adoptees, what I was trying to explain was merely that I didn't know this woman was American, and that upon learning about both her identity and her personal story, I didn't feel surprised at all. Which made me think.

About US society, and US adoptive parents, and how US adoption procedures were 40 years ago. It certainly sparked new questions for my own parents about what the process where for them back in the day.

And it once again made my heart swell with love and admiration for one of the most caring and loving adoptive parents I know cos she just happens to be American to boot.

It also struck me how often I actually hear about US adoptees my age or even older, who've found their birth family.. Here, it's rare for me to hear about reunions for people more than 25+, whereas adoptees in their teens/early twenties can have it almost easy in regards to searching due to the drastic change in file information nowadays.
That might also be because more adoptees here seem more content and maybe therefor unlikely to even feel like they wanna search? So statistically speaking there will be a smaller amount here. I dunno.

But when I hear about reunions and people still being riddled with all kinds of frustration and anger afterwards, I always get just a teeeeeeny tinge of surprise before my sanity takes over and remind me that not all adoptees are the same - even though we do share a remarkable amount of similarities.

It's not that I'm naive enough to think that, "if I could only meet my birth parents all my problems in life would magically disappear", there are scars too deep for that, and I'm realistic and know enough to know that cultural differences could make everything even more complicated, and add a whole new level of hurt to this - in fact, the possibilities have sometimes make me question whether or not I really do wanna meet them.

But I do. Cultural and language difficulties aside, to be able to hear why from their own lips, to know how they've been, to be able to ease their minds and tell them I am happy, to know if I have siblings, to see how and where they live..

To be able to look into the face of another human being and suddenly know what that feeling of recognition feels like, that everyone else probably never even think about when they look at their family.

I wanna know what that feels like.

Friday, 28 June 2013

I can't count high enough for this

there are a lot of things I love about K-fans.
their dedication and devotion to their oppars and eonnirs being one.
their willingness (for the most part) to provide i-netizens with pics and cams being another.

what I loathe is the adolescent sense of entitlement and ownership over these people, that some of them display.
the way they feel it's their right to to start rumours and take things out of context and twist it around, and act like it's the universal truth.
the way they scheme and lie, and somehow manages to make waves that reaches all the way to the top.
the way they don't care to consider and respect that real people's careers, reputations and sometimes lives are at stake.

the way they deliberately hurt people.

I am so pissed and frustrated right now. I don't usually bother with rumours or bitches, but this brought Woollim out, and he deleted all of his tweets. those are not usual steps for random harmless rumours..

my heart is breaking a million times over at the thought of how he may be feeling these days.

"Infinite is something I want to protect for life" - 김성규

if he ends up leaving over this..

on another note, it's making me cry even harder to see so many of all the noonas continuously tweet him their unyielding love and support, regardless whose noona they are ㅠㅠㅠ 

Thursday, 20 June 2013

mind over matter

you know that feeling where your life just seems to be happening to you? I have no idea what's going on at the moment, my feelings just run amok, and me and my sanity are just one huge question mark, taken along for the insane roller coaster ride that is my life these days.

by no means does that mean that I haven't done so much thinking over the past few days, it makes me wonder how I have energy left to do anything but lie in bed and drool. it just means that I'm wondering if this is how severely manic-depressive people feel. cos really.

my last post was me at my wits end. I dunno if it seemed like that, but it was. it was also a very big step and a first for me. I don't normally like to show or share myself when I'm still that much in the middle of emotional distress, but someone's been hounding me for personal posts, and believe you me, that is probably the most naked moment you'll ever see from me.

but I needed to sort out my thoughts. I needed to finally let out all my delusional feels and thoughts about Gyu cos I have no other Gyu biased people to talk to. 

I do have people who love Inpiniteu, but I have no one else to let out all the crazy, mushy, lovey-dovey shit you feel about your bias without worrying if they'll judge me or get sick of hearing about it, whereas same-biased people are usually equally disturbed and inexhaustible. I feel lonely, but that's another story for another day.

and I also needed a push to finally get my ass in gear and sit hubs down and have a proper conversation about how I'm feeling these days.

it's not that I don't wanna talk to him. I always wanna talk to him, but sometimes my thoughts are such a big mess, and they jump around and change so fast, it can be hard for me to know where to start.
but I knew that publicly declaring my love for someone else before even having talked to him about any of it, would give my conscience the push I needed, and it did.

poor hubs had been up since 5am and when he finally came home past 10pm, he was just in the door when he was met with the phrase everyone in a relationship just loves to hear, "we need to talk" -.-

okay, so I didn't actually say that, but I started crying out of the blue, and told him to go read my blog.

true to best-hubs-of-the-universe form, he only cared about the last few paragraphs, and how he can help me to best get through whatever it is I'm dealing with right now.

there was no anger or ridicule, and he never made me feel like he didn't take any of it seriously.

I asked him if he wanted me to take down the post cos in my mind I thought maybe guys frowned upon their wives publicly declaring their love for someone else, but he said no. he cared more that this was obviously something I had needed to get out.

besides he was mentioned, too, and even mentioned as the last one. I told him he'd always be last to me, which made us both giggle through the tears. yeah, we're like that.

anyway, as usual talking not only that part out with him, but everything that's been tumbling around in my head helped immensely, and Tuesday I was like a completely different person.

not that everything magically changed, and I'm still on hiatus, but at the same time it did? my head feels like it's gonna exploded from all the thinking, but I've managed to figure out some stuff already.

first and foremost, as suspected even in the last post, this has very little - if anything - to do with Gyu.

I still love love loooove him, but it can't have been in-love love. I know I didn't say it, but even that post is like the first time declaring it so strongly and directly, cos it's been more a matter of having all these feels, and when I looked at them I felt like it was the only conclusion I could draw?
but that is probably just me being me being anal and needing control and order and labels so I know what's what, when in truth, is it even possible to categorize all emotions? is it necessary?

so let's just say I love him, and leave it at that ♥

but the the type and intensity of the feels I have for him definitely got tangled up with things that run so much deeper.

those feelings of such intense yearning and longing and wanting are so similar to how I feel about Korea and my parents, but I have somewhat accepted my fate on those issues, and I can go about my life without being at least constantly broken up about it.

but then Gyu comes along and everything is a blissful tumble down the rabbit hole until it's not so blissful anymore, and I'm so dizzy and banged up that I just want it to stop.

but by then the damage was done and I need a time-out to get my barrings back in check.

I've been thinking a lot about how it could get that far, and besides just the simple factor that there has never been anyone like Gyu before, nothing has never been like this before, ever, I am also having a lot of other stuff going on at the moment, a lot of other stuff I'm stressing and worrying about.

it's fraying me at the edges, and I really don't think Gyu feels could have gotten so messed up if I had been on my A game otherwise. I am usually much better at keeping him at bay coughlolno who am I trying to kid but still

so now my hiatus is giving me time to deal with all those other things, and at the same time giving me a break from Gyu and babos in general, and hopefully getting me out of the urgent feels to stay updated that I had also gotten caught up in, cos those are just never good when you have multiple fandoms and are as anal as me about following them orz

so far it's going really well. epiphanies are always helpful, and since the crying fucking finally stopped I've been able to get a lot of stuff done, and I've even been socializing!

I've had lots of energy despite not sleeping well/more than 4-5 hours a night, and more importantly, lots of resolve to stay away from twitter except for important messages, and make this change happen!

and hubs FINALLY got his boss to sign off on his vacation (she's been such a slow-poke this year omfg), so now we can start planning that as well \o/

I do wonder a little how it's gonna go once hiatus is over cos babos are so easy to get swept away by, but hopefully I'll be able to keep myself in check. ...or have people tell me when I need to chill the fuck out ._.

at least it won't be a problem over the summer cos so much other stuff to do.

it might be a little crazy once it gets to be ticketing time cos that is just always hell on earth. it literally made me uncomfortable to see all the noonas being anxious about tickets for the Seoul concerts ><

but other than that I do think I can do this.

I'm sorry if you feel like I'm one of those people who'll air whatever dirty relationship laundry in public. I'm really not, but besides this being my place to sort out whichever thoughts I need to, there are a lot of people who've been worrying about me, and this was the easy way out of letting everyone know they don't need to cos even though I'm doing much better, the thought of talking to everyone individually was just way too overwhelming.

thank you for believing in me ㅠ

Monday, 17 June 2013


I'm in love.

he's gorgeous, funny, cute, hard-working, talented, humble, caring, determined.. sexy. 
he's also shy, and when he talks about being lonely I just wanna cradle him to my bosom and never let go.
when he sings the sound of his voice alone makes me weep, and when he smiles or frowns of anything in between I feel like my heart's gonna burst out of my chest.

- ain't life grand, would be an expected continuation of that, right? 

I wish, but while all of that does apply maybe except the singing part sorry, his name is not hubs, it's Gyu.
and while all of that when in relation to hubs does make my life oh, so grand, right now Gyu is just making it a living hell.

cos I'll never get to hug him, and bury my face in the crook of his neck, and breathe him in. 
or run my hands down his chest, and etch every curve and dip into my memory, and feel his heartbeat. 
or to have him look directly at me without a camera lens between us. 
cos he'll never say my name or smile at me or even know I exist.
cos I can't have him in every single sense of the word.

and I am old enough to have had my share of both idol love crushes and real life love to know the difference. 
I wish it was just the first kind, as all-devouring as that can be.

can I go back to the days when kpop made me smile and gave me butterflies and was my happy place to escape to cos everything was perfect.
can I go back to the days when "bias" meant someone who brought me joy and smiles and made my heart skip a beat.
can I go back to the days when Inpiniteu was just that group with all those confusing members who all looked alike, and someone weirdly named "L".

can I? please?

instead of these days where even just the thought, let alone sight of him, makes me cry my eyes out for hours on end.
where I try to avoid even just the mention of their name, and where just the poster for their new DVD that won't even be out until September, for fuck's sake, made me have some kind of mini panic attack where I couldn't stop crying and shaking and I got dizzy and nauseous and I could barely breathe. from a goddamn DVD poster!?! I give up, I really do.

if any of this makes you side-eye me, or confuses you or makes you wanna judge the hell out of me cos he is an idol and I don't even really know him as such, go right ahead. you won't even be nearly half-way to where I am.

you think I did this on purpose? you think I chose this? you think I wanted for him to just come out of the blue and completely rip my heart to fucking shreds and blow every thing and every one else out of the water??

trust me. I didn't ask for any of this, this is not the reality I wanted.

and in case you're wondering, none of this means I don't like my life or my husband. we've been together for 14 years, and it's our 2nd anniversary in a week, and we're gonna have two hundred more of those.
he has saved my life more ways and times than I care to remember, and I would lay down my life for him. 
I will love him til the day I die, and I wouldn't trade him for anything - even Gyu, which just makes all of this that much more fucked up.

to be fair to Gyu, I do think this whole unrequited love thing also triggers something deeper in general about my life, and he somehow becomes a manifestation of all of that, of all the things I long for in my life that I can't have. 
like confidence. or social abilities. or to ever feel like I can be good enough for anyone else to love me back. 
or to know who my parents are.

and I want so so desperately to be able to separate those things again, you don't even know, it's fucking tearing me apart. 
to go back to living with/suppressing my short-comings, and being able to enjoy my music and my love again.

if I could at least just stop crying..

but I'll make it. I'll get there. I can do this. please anticipate.