Friday, 20 July 2012

tears won't stop

My friend died today

and I am heartbroken


It wasn't really a surprise. He was diagnosed with cancer more than a year ago and at that time they gave him only a short while. Very aggressive liver cancer, I think it was, that had already spread and metastasized in his whole midsection.
At that time he wasn't feeling it at all or much, I forget the details by now and the diagnosis was such a shock to everyone who knew him.

He was the sweetest guy, caring, understanding, a good listener, a kidder, someone who loved people and who people loved, and right now my brain can't fathom that I'm not gonna see him again (-̩̩̩-͡_ --̩̩̩͡)

Though he was my parents' friend, he was my friend, too, and I have known him my whole life cos he was one of the parents in the group my parents went to Korea with when they picked me up.
I have celebrated life's big occasions in both of our lives with this guy, me and my family have spent numerous vacations with him and his family, we've played for hours, talked for hours, laughed for hours, and I still can't understand that I won't ever see him again.

Of course, everyone saw this coming, him included, but right after the initial shock of the diagnosis he and his wife decided that they and the family weren't gonna dwell on it. They were gonna stay positive and fight 'til the very last end with faith (not the religious kind) in their hearts and smiles on their faces, and so they have done.
How? The fuck if I know cos I would've been a puddle from the get-go.
But I, and everyone else they've been in contact with, definitely contributes his ability to beat the odds to his positive spirit and in many ways he lived on like like nothing had changed, and therefore it was still a surprise when the news finally arrived.

He was willing to try out every means possible since he was already terminal, why not give it a go?
But in the end there was just nothing more to try out, and a few weeks ago he was told that there was nothing more than pain management the healthcare system could offer him.
In short, game over.

Fortunately, he went down hill fast from there. That might sound incredibly harsh but in essence that is what made him able to go out the way he wanted. At home with no outside help, just his wife taking care of him.

My parents saw him two weeks ago. After some bad weeks where he wasn't able to get up or anything, he invited them over for dinner. He felt better and he was able to greet them in the driveway, he moved around and they talked until late.

So when my dad called from Italy today to tell me that Carsten had died it still knocked me off my feet.

I have had so much to do today, and after he called this afternoon I have just not been able to function properly.

Life is so fucking unfair I can't deal Щ(ºДºщ) 

And, yeah, I know, no one said life and fair have shit to do with each other, I just.....

And the whole concept of death and to be dead and to not exist and to die and then just not be while everyone still is... I'm feeling really tiny and humble in my life right now.
There really is nothing like getting a reality check like this to make you appreciate your life and especially the people in it.

Of course this doesn't mean that I feel up to going to my in-laws for the weekend in 10 hours, like, REALLY, I just.....

This was incoherent shit, but I'm allowed cos my friend died today

 I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH  (-̩̩̩-͡_ --̩̩̩͡)

Friday, 6 July 2012

Square 1

This will probably be irrelevant

When I did the last post almost 3 months ago it was my honest intention to take a little break, and then come back and finish the updates for the Sherlock promotions. Late, I know, but it would be for me cos I would like to have the chronology for later, and even though I didn't post I've been saving pics and videos so I could do it.

Well, you know what they say about even the best laid plans..

It became a stressful, sleepless period back in April cos life suddenly also became full of offline stuff, and in the end I had to give the fandom a rest since real life isn't as easily shooed.
But back then it looked like maybe a couple of weeks of hectic schedule, but one week became two and two became three.. In the end my entire spring has been so rushed that there's barely been time for anything else, and when there has been time to go online I haven't particularly had the desire nor energy to post. I'd rather spend the precious free time catching up with friends and SHINee or just space out and watch Dangerous Boys or various We Got Married and Hello Babies or whatever.

On another, but still related note, something happened with me and SHINee.
I think that both the actual break from following them so closely, and then Sherlock promotions ending and them going back "home" to Japan to tour, they fell off the grid a little. Well, not really all the way off, but there's such a huge contrast between comeback periods and in-between periods. One second you're being constantly bombarded with updates and performances and it's like 2-3 schedules a day to maybe not hearing anything for a week, besides maybe the odd airport picture or whatever.
Anyway, that - put together with me probably subconsciously taking a step back cos they were stressing me out so much - apparently made a space. And I say "apparently" cos it wasn't something I was trying to make, it just happened.

I've always listened to all kinds of music and different groups and artists even before kpop, and I don't feel like I've ever tried to hide my love for all different..songs, not groups, I should say cos I really don't follow that many other groups closely enough to feel comfortable with voicing a public opinion about them.
And most of the time I don't give a crap about the group anyways cos to me, it's about the music of it all. So if I like a song, I'm gonna like a song, regardless.

And what's happened is that another group has wiggled it's way into the crack SHINee left open.
By no means does this mean I've dumped SHINee, and I still can't wait for their full album! I'll probably buy it in 725472 editions and versions and copies AS USUAL.
But it does mean that these days, since SHINee's off doing who-knows-what, maybe album stuff? - and Ho's filming Hana Kimi drama - I'm free to focus on other stuff.

I've listened to Teen Top since 향수뿌리지마 you came out almost a year ago, but it never amounted to anything besides the music, like SHINee at first. In fact, I thought they were a little weird and..yeah, let's leave it at that, like with SHINee at first.
But a few weeks ago something sparked, like with SHINee at first, and I've taken a nose-dive into the world of Angels, their official fandom name.
Fortunately, once my cat was out of the bag, a bag I wasn't even aware it was in it, turns out that a lot of people in tlist actually also like them, though maybe not as hardcore as me, so it's been nice to have people to share they joy of these 6 guys with ♥ and the love of one of them in particular.

But there has been "bumps" along the way, probably hence my need to over explain at this point. I won't go into the long sorted details, though, suffice it to say that in a weird way these issues spread out in a weird way throughout my life and inspired me to face and deal with a lot of things I've been pushing aside which subsequently have been weighing on my conscience and doing nothing good for my stress level in general.

I told you, this is irrelevant..

Long story short lawl, I have decided to start anew.

To rid myself of stress factors in my life, including having to do the Sherlock updates.
To allow myself to focus on Tintap happily for now cos that's what I feel like doing.
To try to create a stress-free summer, and taking advantage of the fact that everyone else is away on holidays so I can not have things on my calendar every single day /throwsfistintheair
And to be free to take time to plan Korea which is less than 6 weeks away \o/

To delete unread stuff in my inbox which by now is close to 1000 emails..
Yes, a thousand, so maybe that gives you an idea of my level of analness and need for control cos I haven't been able to delete anything before I've read it. And this pile has been building for about 7-8 months now, but I do get about 40 new emails a day which means I don't get rid of the pile I only maintain it around the thousand.
But I'm just gonna skim now and probably delete tons without even looking, and it's such a liberating feel! \o/

So, not that I think anyone but me was expecting it at this point, but there will be no more Sherlock, and there will be no more SHINee like that.
I mean, there probably will be both SHINee and Tintap here and there, but this is my personal space, and even though kpop and fandom and online life takes up a very big part of my time and head space, this is not a fan blog like that.